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Post by *Tinkerbell* on Oct 11, 2003 5:32:36 GMT -5
One day while on patrol, a police officer pulled over a car for speeding. He went up to the car and asked the driver to roll down her window. The first thing he noticed, besides the nice red sports car, was how hot the driver was! Drop dead beautiful blonde... the works! "I've pulled you over for speeding, Ma'me.... could I see your drivers license...?" "...What's a license...  " replied the blonde, instantly giving away the fact that she was as dumb as a stump. "It's usually in your wallet..." replied the officer. After fumbling for a few minutes, the driver managed to find it. "Now may I see your registration..." asked the cop. "Registration..... what's that....?" asked the blonde. "It's usually in your glove compartment..." said the cop impatiently. After some more fumbling, she found the registration. "I'll be back in a minute..." said the cop and walked back to his car. The officer phoned into the dispatch to run a check on the woman's license and registration. After a few moments, the dispatcher came back; "Ummm.... is this woman driving a red sports car?" "Yes...." replied the officer "Is she a drop dead gorgeous blonde?" asked the dispatcher "Uh... yes" replied the cop. "Here's what you do...." said the dispatcher. "Give her the stuff back, and drop your pants..." "WHAT!!? I can't do that. Its..... inappropriate..." exclaimed the cop. "Trust me..... just do it...." said the dispatcher. So the cop goes back to the car, gives back the license and registration and drops his pants, just as the dispatcher said. The blonde looks down and sighs..... "Ohh no... not ANOTHER breathalyzer......" |
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Post by *Tinkerbell* on Oct 11, 2003 5:35:57 GMT -5
A guy dies whilst making love to his wife. A few days later the undertaker calls her and says, "Your husband still has a hard-on, what shall I do with it?" The wife replies, "Cut it off and shove it up his arse!" The undertaker does as he is told. On the day of the funeral the wife visits her husband for the last time and sees a tear rolling down his face, so she whispers in his ear, "It f**king hurts doesn't it
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Post by Placidfemme on Oct 12, 2003 14:17:29 GMT -5
"It f**king hurts doesn't it" HAHAHAHAHA |
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Post by WannabeAnarchy on Oct 13, 2003 1:41:54 GMT -5
Sir,
It has been brought to my attention that for some time now you have been carrying on an affair with my wife. So that we may settle this matter in an intelligent fashion, please be at my office at 3 PM on Friday next.
Dear Sir,
I have received a copy of the your mass mailing this morning. You may be advised that I will attend the scheduled conference in your office's
auditorium.
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Post by WannabeAnarchy on Oct 13, 2003 1:47:54 GMT -5
You have to say it in a paki accent to make it funnier!  This married couple was on holiday in Pakistan. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed this small sandal shop. From inside they heard a gentleman with a Pakistani accent say, "You, foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop." So the married couple walked in.
The Pakistani man said to them, "I have some special sandals I think you'd be interested in. They make you wild at sex like a great desert camel."
Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man had claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex god he was. The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?"
The Pakistani man replied, "Just try them on." Well, the husband, after much badgering from his wife, finally conceded to try them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes something his wife hadn't seen in many years-raw sexual power.
In a blink of an eye, the husband rushed the Pakistani man, threw him on a table and started tearing at the guy's pants. All the time the Pakistani man was screaming, "YOU HAVE THEM ON THE WRONG FEET!".
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Post by *Tinkerbell* on Oct 14, 2003 4:21:07 GMT -5
ha ha thats a good one!  |
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Post by WannabeAnarchy on Oct 14, 2003 4:35:34 GMT -5
did you do the packie accent???
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Post by *Tinkerbell* on Oct 15, 2003 3:48:09 GMT -5
I'm really crap at doing the accent, But I used to live in Wembley, so I can imagine.
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Post by WannabeAnarchy on Oct 16, 2003 4:15:21 GMT -5
Been reading the bible and I have some questions for god..
1. I have a neighbour who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?
2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?
3. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev.19:27. How should they die?
4. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? (Lev.24:10-16) Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)
5. Men are allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness (Lev. 15:19-24). How does the world function during those 5 - 7 days?
and remember.. The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and 362 admonishments to heterosexuals.
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Post by *Tinkerbell* on Oct 16, 2003 5:22:16 GMT -5
[glow=red,2,300]One beautiful Sunday morning the tiny town of Smithvale wakes up and goes to church.
Before the service starts most of the congregation have seated themselves. They're all nattering to their neighbours when - shazam - Satan himself appears at the altar in flames.
Naturally, the townspeople erupt in chaos, with people fleeing the church, left, right and centre...except for Bill Scroggs.
God's ultimate nemesis seems confused. He walks up to Bill and says,
"Don't you know who I am?".
Bill replies, "Aye, I do.".
Bewildered, Satan asks, "So, you aren't afraid of me then?".
"No I'm not." replies Bill calmly.
By now, Satan's melon is twisted beyond all recognition,
"Why the hell not?" the dark Overlord enquires, to which Bill replies,
"Because I've been married to your sister for 25 years."
[/glow]
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